wondering and wandering.
Not sure what is up most days so as for the future, still unsure.
May get run over by a bus tomorrow so each day is a blessing.
Blessed and still desiring the ache in my heart to have a child.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
My some day baby
Some Day Baby
I wait, and I wait and I wait and I wait.
The slow horse still wanting out of the gate.
Hoping you'll begin before it's too late.
Where are you? My someday baby.
Each night I pray a prayer for you.
It is a prayer for daddy and me too.
I pray that I will someday feel you
My kicking someday baby.
Everyday I see children everywhere around.
I long to hear your laughing, cooing sound.
Your fingers areound my one tightly wound
My happy someday baby.
How will you smile? What color your eyes?
How will you like your birthday surprise?
Will you come to mommy to comfort your cries?
Wondrous you, my someday baby.
I touch terry sleepers, and booties so small
And wonder how much longer my heart can bear all.
Hoping and wishing through now my third fall
To spoil my someday baby.
How I long to rock you to sleep,
And to rub your head until you dream deep.
To watch you roll over and sit and then creep
My sweet little someday baby.
The things others think are a pain you see
Sound like a piece of heaven to me.
To be awakened by something other than dreams
My pleasure, my someday baby.
I don't know when you'll see this, or if you'll know
How much my heart dreamed of you, prayed for you so.
To feel you, and watch you and help you to grow
My love, my someday baby.
I do hope and I pray, and sneak cries though the day
with hope daddy and I will have you "someday".
The sooner rather than later you can hear me say
"With love I welcome you", my someday baby.
I wait, and I wait and I wait and I wait.
The slow horse still wanting out of the gate.
Hoping you'll begin before it's too late.
Where are you? My someday baby.
Each night I pray a prayer for you.
It is a prayer for daddy and me too.
I pray that I will someday feel you
My kicking someday baby.
Everyday I see children everywhere around.
I long to hear your laughing, cooing sound.
Your fingers areound my one tightly wound
My happy someday baby.
How will you smile? What color your eyes?
How will you like your birthday surprise?
Will you come to mommy to comfort your cries?
Wondrous you, my someday baby.
I touch terry sleepers, and booties so small
And wonder how much longer my heart can bear all.
Hoping and wishing through now my third fall
To spoil my someday baby.
How I long to rock you to sleep,
And to rub your head until you dream deep.
To watch you roll over and sit and then creep
My sweet little someday baby.
The things others think are a pain you see
Sound like a piece of heaven to me.
To be awakened by something other than dreams
My pleasure, my someday baby.
I don't know when you'll see this, or if you'll know
How much my heart dreamed of you, prayed for you so.
To feel you, and watch you and help you to grow
My love, my someday baby.
I do hope and I pray, and sneak cries though the day
with hope daddy and I will have you "someday".
The sooner rather than later you can hear me say
"With love I welcome you", my someday baby.
Blessed or not?
Why God Chose Infertility for me
Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.
These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.
Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know.”
Tonight I so wish I didn't have to walk in this...
:(
I am sure when I look back over this post, it will bless me somehow.
Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.
These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.
Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know.”
Tonight I so wish I didn't have to walk in this...
:(
I am sure when I look back over this post, it will bless me somehow.
A word I have struggled with over the years on this journey...
Wait
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."
Is one too much to ask for?
Today I found out a friend who already had a wee one before we started ttc is pregnant with her fourth, so her third since we all started trying :(
I guess wanting one is too much huh?
I could spit right now!
:( :( :( :(
How long must we wait? Well, I know we must save and save since this is hardly likely to happen naturally since there is something drastically wrong here :(
I feel so very sad now and I am in the middle of trying to praise God through this pain and heartache. I keep praying that He would just take my womb already....
I guess wanting one is too much huh?
I could spit right now!
:( :( :( :(
How long must we wait? Well, I know we must save and save since this is hardly likely to happen naturally since there is something drastically wrong here :(
I feel so very sad now and I am in the middle of trying to praise God through this pain and heartache. I keep praying that He would just take my womb already....
Monday, August 23, 2010
Still praising even when it hurts
It is often hard to praise when the pain is there, however I am finding a way. God is good, whether our babies come or not, He is still good.
My heart aches and needs to be filled however I am still praising through it all.
My heart aches and needs to be filled however I am still praising through it all.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 beers.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was..
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed..
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car..
The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your family.
Visit with grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house
Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.
The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'
The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of drinks with a friend.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was..
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed..
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car..
The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your family.
Visit with grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house
Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.
The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'
The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of drinks with a friend.
Been wondering, thinking and such
It's been a while since I last updated things on here.
Most recently hubbyman and I decided that we would give up on the baby desire thing...then of course with my lastest period, I am baby crazy again :P So for now, we are still putting away money for our IVF cycle in Spring/Summer or whatever next year. What we have decided is should I change my mind (I am a woman and it is my perogative to do just that and confuse the heck out of hubbyman! LOL!) we will put said funds towards a lovely trip on the Dempster Highway next summer.
For now I know we can meet our so called deadline and have the money saved for our cycle next year around Spring. We do want a little version of him or me and besides, we are both enjoying most days at work, that the saving will help us should none of this pan out to buy a house in a couple of years. We shall see...
For now mission baby is still on. I have just been quiet as I have not much to say as there have been other distractions in my life going on.
Blessings.
Most recently hubbyman and I decided that we would give up on the baby desire thing...then of course with my lastest period, I am baby crazy again :P So for now, we are still putting away money for our IVF cycle in Spring/Summer or whatever next year. What we have decided is should I change my mind (I am a woman and it is my perogative to do just that and confuse the heck out of hubbyman! LOL!) we will put said funds towards a lovely trip on the Dempster Highway next summer.
For now I know we can meet our so called deadline and have the money saved for our cycle next year around Spring. We do want a little version of him or me and besides, we are both enjoying most days at work, that the saving will help us should none of this pan out to buy a house in a couple of years. We shall see...
For now mission baby is still on. I have just been quiet as I have not much to say as there have been other distractions in my life going on.
Blessings.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Feeling utterly drained and
nearing the end of waiting for what feels like forever. We are unsure about this again :(
We have recently acquired a new vehicle, well, it's new to us even though there was a prior owner. Anyway, I am feeling great as we 'escape' every weekend and refresh our batteries. In doing so I think about what a baby in the mix would do to this. I am trying to weigh the cons and pros (or is that pros and cons?) and I really like having my freedom. Howvever I am constantly reminded of what I do not have while at work, at home watching telly and even minding my own business out with hubbyman. My heart feels unfulfilled and then again I sometimes wonder that perhaps we are not called to be parents. I am so confused by it all I had to share with a friend and this is what she stated to me:
I like this approach and the again I do not. I have been living my life as it seems in 2 week increments, hoping and waiting as we try and try and wait to see if my period will show. As each period reminds me of failure and the again the cleansing of a new cycle and a fresh start, my heart sinks and puffs up again as we try something new to try and nail that egg to my uterus. I don't know.
I so long to be a mother the good thing about it now is that a recent promotion at work has made things more interesting as these projects play more in my mind than baby and things. Then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do about not wanting a baby as I do want one :(
I believe prayer will help me one way or another. My hubbyman is scared of the gamble that doing IVF is. Just yesterday I learned of a friend's failed cy and should she wish to do it again it would be next summer. There we are again. The whole money factor :( I know for us this is playing a HUGE factor in even wanting to pursue it along with others...
We have recently acquired a new vehicle, well, it's new to us even though there was a prior owner. Anyway, I am feeling great as we 'escape' every weekend and refresh our batteries. In doing so I think about what a baby in the mix would do to this. I am trying to weigh the cons and pros (or is that pros and cons?) and I really like having my freedom. Howvever I am constantly reminded of what I do not have while at work, at home watching telly and even minding my own business out with hubbyman. My heart feels unfulfilled and then again I sometimes wonder that perhaps we are not called to be parents. I am so confused by it all I had to share with a friend and this is what she stated to me:
someone once suggested that when you decide something-- give yourself a week or two to practice "living out" that decision in your mind. In other words, live a week with the decision to go ahead with IVF (in your mind) and then feel what that is like. For another week or so, live with the decision not to have children -- or to pursue other options. Which decision, after the week is through, brings you greater peace and joy?
I like this approach and the again I do not. I have been living my life as it seems in 2 week increments, hoping and waiting as we try and try and wait to see if my period will show. As each period reminds me of failure and the again the cleansing of a new cycle and a fresh start, my heart sinks and puffs up again as we try something new to try and nail that egg to my uterus. I don't know.
I so long to be a mother the good thing about it now is that a recent promotion at work has made things more interesting as these projects play more in my mind than baby and things. Then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do about not wanting a baby as I do want one :(
I believe prayer will help me one way or another. My hubbyman is scared of the gamble that doing IVF is. Just yesterday I learned of a friend's failed cy and should she wish to do it again it would be next summer. There we are again. The whole money factor :( I know for us this is playing a HUGE factor in even wanting to pursue it along with others...
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