Feeling utterly drained and

nearing the end of waiting for what feels like forever. We are unsure about this again :(

We have recently acquired a new vehicle, well, it's new to us even though there was a prior owner. Anyway, I am feeling great as we 'escape' every weekend and refresh our batteries. In doing so I think about what a baby in the mix would do to this. I am trying to weigh the cons and pros (or is that pros and cons?) and I really like having my freedom. Howvever I am constantly reminded of what I do not have while at work, at home watching telly and even minding my own business out with hubbyman. My heart feels unfulfilled and then again I sometimes wonder that perhaps we are not called to be parents. I am so confused by it all I had to share with a friend and this is what she stated to me:

someone once suggested that when you decide something-- give yourself a week or two to practice "living out" that decision in your mind. In other words, live a week with the decision to go ahead with IVF (in your mind) and then feel what that is like. For another week or so, live with the decision not to have children -- or to pursue other options. Which decision, after the week is through, brings you greater peace and joy?

I like this approach and the again I do not. I have been living my life as it seems in 2 week increments, hoping and waiting as we try and try and wait to see if my period will show. As each period reminds me of failure and the again the cleansing of a new cycle and a fresh start, my heart sinks and puffs up again as we try something new to try and nail that egg to my uterus. I don't know.

I so long to be a mother the good thing about it now is that a recent promotion at work has made things more interesting as these projects play more in my mind than baby and things. Then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do about not wanting a baby as I do want one :(

I believe prayer will help me one way or another. My hubbyman is scared of the gamble that doing IVF is. Just yesterday I learned of a friend's failed cy and should she wish to do it again it would be next summer. There we are again. The whole money factor :( I know for us this is playing a HUGE factor in even wanting to pursue it along with others...