I am looking ahead to Oct and a new fresh start!
Roll on snow, less sunlight and more! Well, I may as well embrace the change that is a-coming our way up North!!!
Happy! Happy! Happy!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
It was my last day
at work today and what relief! I didn't have to serve any customers on the cashdesk since the lovely assistant in the Jewellery dept is back from her vacations. I was able to accomplish a lot even on my last day and felt good about it rather than 'slacking off' and leaving a lot of work for the next person to deal with. I had a bit of a pow wow with the next associate who will be running the dept and let her know that it is still 'a work in progress'. The lock-up is a mess, although now it is an organised mess since I endeavoured to tidy up what I could there and stack the boxes in an orderly manner.
Anyway, I am just thrilled, elated and overjoyed that I am no longer working there and am going to start the new month on Monday in a new job, new location (2 mins walk from home!) and a much smaller and cleaner store. So I intend to tackle laundry and cleaning tomorrow so I will have free fun days on Friday, Saturday and Sunday!
Please God, let this time of refreshing in a new place of business be a blessing to my body and mind as we endeavour to save all we can to cycle next year.
Blessings.
Anyway, I am just thrilled, elated and overjoyed that I am no longer working there and am going to start the new month on Monday in a new job, new location (2 mins walk from home!) and a much smaller and cleaner store. So I intend to tackle laundry and cleaning tomorrow so I will have free fun days on Friday, Saturday and Sunday!
Please God, let this time of refreshing in a new place of business be a blessing to my body and mind as we endeavour to save all we can to cycle next year.
Blessings.
Monday, September 27, 2010
A Letter by Jody Earle
Dear Family and Friends,
I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.
You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.
My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.
My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?
My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.
My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible is my pain. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.
My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.
My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms. I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.
My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I've lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.
My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.
Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.
You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too. I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger. Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility.
I need you to be a listener. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know you are available for me. It's difficult for me to expose my private thoughts if you are rushed or have a deadline for the end of our conversation. Please don't tell me of all the worse things that have happened to others or how easily someone else's infertility was solved. Every case is individual. Please don't just give advice; instead, guide me with your questions. Assure me that you respect my confidences, and then be certain that you deserve my trust. While listening try to maintain an open mind. I need you to be supportive. Understand that my decisions aren't made casually,I've agonized over them. Remind me that you respect these decisions even if you disagree with them, because you know they are made carefully. Don't ask me, "Are you sure?" Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal.
I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.
I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you.
I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations. Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out.
I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths. Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt. Don't tell me this is God's will. Don't ask me to justify my need to parent. Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options.
I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie" choices. My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope. Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time.
I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. I've been subjected to postcoital exams, semen collection in waiting room bathrooms, and tests in rooms next to labor rooms. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal.
Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.
Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding.
Jody Earle
I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.
You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.
My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.
My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?
My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.
My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible is my pain. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.
My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.
My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms. I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.
My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I've lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.
My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.
Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.
You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too. I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger. Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility.
I need you to be a listener. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know you are available for me. It's difficult for me to expose my private thoughts if you are rushed or have a deadline for the end of our conversation. Please don't tell me of all the worse things that have happened to others or how easily someone else's infertility was solved. Every case is individual. Please don't just give advice; instead, guide me with your questions. Assure me that you respect my confidences, and then be certain that you deserve my trust. While listening try to maintain an open mind. I need you to be supportive. Understand that my decisions aren't made casually,I've agonized over them. Remind me that you respect these decisions even if you disagree with them, because you know they are made carefully. Don't ask me, "Are you sure?" Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal.
I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.
I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you.
I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations. Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out.
I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths. Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt. Don't tell me this is God's will. Don't ask me to justify my need to parent. Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options.
I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie" choices. My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope. Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time.
I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. I've been subjected to postcoital exams, semen collection in waiting room bathrooms, and tests in rooms next to labor rooms. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal.
Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.
Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding.
Jody Earle
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Feeling blue today
I wish this didn't have to revolve around money.
I really want us to move forward and it feeks like we are stuck and have been for years.
I really want us to move forward and it feeks like we are stuck and have been for years.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Red Rock Fertility has
me wanting....
That is all.
;)
Go on. google it. It's quite the center in Vegas. I've always wanted to go to Vegas. Can you imagine? Vegas IVF and casinos?
I can =) Hubbyman thinks I am crazy. He wants me to be happy so maybe just maybe...
That is all.
;)
Go on. google it. It's quite the center in Vegas. I've always wanted to go to Vegas. Can you imagine? Vegas IVF and casinos?
I can =) Hubbyman thinks I am crazy. He wants me to be happy so maybe just maybe...
Thurs Sept 23
was officially the first day of Autumn and guess what? Yep, you guessed it, snow and more snow! So. Since we live where we do, we went straight from summer to winter! LOL! It's lovely for me to see the snow as a Brit I love it, we didn't have much snow over there. However 7 months of this will get old and quite quickly especially if it gets truly bitterly cold as it does often here. I have a collection of warm necessities that were truly lacking last year among them my fave, an electric Sunbeam blanket. Yay!
We had fun earlier running a few errands and relishing in the fact that we intend to go NOWHERE tomorrow or Sunday (apart from hubbyman's swordfighting of course and my church service) So lots of snicky snackies along with fresh fruits and veggies.
Happy weekend!
We had fun earlier running a few errands and relishing in the fact that we intend to go NOWHERE tomorrow or Sunday (apart from hubbyman's swordfighting of course and my church service) So lots of snicky snackies along with fresh fruits and veggies.
Happy weekend!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Royal Jelly.
WOW.
I have been having days and days of fertile cm since starting to take this. It's great! I usually only have about 2-3 days of the fertile stuff so this is great for me. According to my FF chart I have had 6 days in a row of the good cm, I started taking it on CD5 and it's been visible since CD6. Too bloody cool if you ask me!
So, if you want fertile cm get RJ!
Blessings.
I have been having days and days of fertile cm since starting to take this. It's great! I usually only have about 2-3 days of the fertile stuff so this is great for me. According to my FF chart I have had 6 days in a row of the good cm, I started taking it on CD5 and it's been visible since CD6. Too bloody cool if you ask me!
So, if you want fertile cm get RJ!
Blessings.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Starting a new job soon
it's closer to home, all of a few mins walk away.
I believe I will be happy. A LOT less stress.
Roll on Oct 4th. Time for change.
Embracing change as I move into a new chapter in my life. Getting a year older too.
I believe I will be happy. A LOT less stress.
Roll on Oct 4th. Time for change.
Embracing change as I move into a new chapter in my life. Getting a year older too.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Hope restored...
http://www.fertilityauthority.com/articles/pregnant-49-her-own-eggs?ctt_id=3939209&ctt_adnw=Google&ctt_kw=infertile&ctt_ch=ps&ctt_entity=tc&ctt_adid=4852008759&ctt_nwtype=search&ctt_cli=8x8182x71205x853700&gclid=CLrR_-OJlaQCFRs2gwodvCkjHQ
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
My period just started
and I have been having strange desires to go on an IVF vacay with hubbyman to Barbados. I have a fear of it not working out so I am preparing myself for the best and if, for whatever reason we cannot do this, I do believe my quest will be over. I am so very very tired and cannot believe how long this journey has been to parenthood.
I need to let go for my own sanity as well as for my health. All this baby crap has made me so silly! I always believe and have tremendous hope with every cycle that we try and then again why should I considering he never takes his vits. There is something drastically wrong with his sperm so I should not be surprised when my period shows, it's not as if we did anything differently in order to change his sperm parameters. Recently I learned that taking high doses of vit C prior to sex is supposed to help. Not sure how true this is, however he will be taking high doses from now on! So I do believe as soon as I can remember (and be bothered!) I will remind him to take said amounts of vits along with Horny Goat Weed since he has been having some serious performance issues...I love him and wish he would go and do something about that. I know that months ago his diabetic nurse stated that issues with ED, along with sex drive (his is very low) and interest in sex is effected by his disease. Oh well. He has of late had no desire to change that so I may as well not 'nag' him about taking his vits, just feed them to him with a smile with no words.
Sept 2011 is when we envision we will have enough for IVF Barbados however I would love to do it sooner. He has shoddy credit so there's no applying for a loan there. Since I am still fairly new to the country I have no established credit so I am slowly building that up with a credit card acquired from work.
Roll on Sept!
All I know is I do believe the sad part of it all is that when I have had it in my head when we will be doing IVF something happens and takes away from that. I know there was nothing I could do about my father-in-law's illness and subsequent death and that is a tragedy in and of itself. I refuse to let anything and I mean ANYTHING to stop us from doing this next year. I have already told him, if we cannot raise the money by next year then forget it. I do not want to be pregnant and having a baby at 43. I will turn 42 by the time we finish cycling next year so that wil be the last of this crazy road!!
It hurts so just typing that, I need to let go and soon!
I need to let go for my own sanity as well as for my health. All this baby crap has made me so silly! I always believe and have tremendous hope with every cycle that we try and then again why should I considering he never takes his vits. There is something drastically wrong with his sperm so I should not be surprised when my period shows, it's not as if we did anything differently in order to change his sperm parameters. Recently I learned that taking high doses of vit C prior to sex is supposed to help. Not sure how true this is, however he will be taking high doses from now on! So I do believe as soon as I can remember (and be bothered!) I will remind him to take said amounts of vits along with Horny Goat Weed since he has been having some serious performance issues...I love him and wish he would go and do something about that. I know that months ago his diabetic nurse stated that issues with ED, along with sex drive (his is very low) and interest in sex is effected by his disease. Oh well. He has of late had no desire to change that so I may as well not 'nag' him about taking his vits, just feed them to him with a smile with no words.
Sept 2011 is when we envision we will have enough for IVF Barbados however I would love to do it sooner. He has shoddy credit so there's no applying for a loan there. Since I am still fairly new to the country I have no established credit so I am slowly building that up with a credit card acquired from work.
Roll on Sept!
All I know is I do believe the sad part of it all is that when I have had it in my head when we will be doing IVF something happens and takes away from that. I know there was nothing I could do about my father-in-law's illness and subsequent death and that is a tragedy in and of itself. I refuse to let anything and I mean ANYTHING to stop us from doing this next year. I have already told him, if we cannot raise the money by next year then forget it. I do not want to be pregnant and having a baby at 43. I will turn 42 by the time we finish cycling next year so that wil be the last of this crazy road!!
It hurts so just typing that, I need to let go and soon!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I miss you Mum
I cannot believe it is 19 years today since you crossed over into heaven. One day I know we will be reunited, until then, I am missing you so very much.
Moreso now as I long to be the mother that you was to us all.
I love you.
Moreso now as I long to be the mother that you was to us all.
I love you.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
My faith has been restored
The prayer meeting I attended on Friday was a blessing that I truly needed. I must admit that on Friday during the day, I wanted to tell my coworker that no I do not want to go as I was not in the mood to celebrate God and all that He is especially since He blessed someone else with a baby and that particular person did not want to have a baby.
I attended church service today, the first time in a long time. It's been a bout 2 years since I was in a home church, possibly more since my fave home church I had to leave when we moved from Alberta to where we live now.
The service was very freeing. The worship was inspiring to my soul. I felt God's presence and I haven't for a while.
Now I am praying that since I now own a really cool Bible that hubbyman found while we were snooping at Liquidation World, I shall be reading more and spending more time reading those pages than the pages of everything baby ;) (This book had a $50 price tag and I got it for less than $2!)
Feeling alive again and not so ho-hum.
I attended church service today, the first time in a long time. It's been a bout 2 years since I was in a home church, possibly more since my fave home church I had to leave when we moved from Alberta to where we live now.
The service was very freeing. The worship was inspiring to my soul. I felt God's presence and I haven't for a while.
Now I am praying that since I now own a really cool Bible that hubbyman found while we were snooping at Liquidation World, I shall be reading more and spending more time reading those pages than the pages of everything baby ;) (This book had a $50 price tag and I got it for less than $2!)
Feeling alive again and not so ho-hum.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
It's me again
I poas tonight.
A sweet coworker (who is finally expecting after 2 losses and a so far so good pregnancy at almost 19w) gave me her Clomid and pregnancy tests that she no longer needs.
The Clomid I am unsure I will use since the issue is sperm and until I know for sure what is up with me, I know I will not take them. I know they can be detrimental on uterine lining for us AMAs.
I am about 7dpo and hubbyman decided that without expecting anything, I should just soak a stick. Well I did and wasn't surprised. Although he was really really happy when I pretended there was a line on said stick, when I did my surprised "Oh my gosh! Baby! You're going to be a daddy!!" He had a silly expression on his face too.
It was fun even though it's been about 2 years or so since I last did something as silly as that!!!
Time for bed!
Goodnight!
A sweet coworker (who is finally expecting after 2 losses and a so far so good pregnancy at almost 19w) gave me her Clomid and pregnancy tests that she no longer needs.
The Clomid I am unsure I will use since the issue is sperm and until I know for sure what is up with me, I know I will not take them. I know they can be detrimental on uterine lining for us AMAs.
I am about 7dpo and hubbyman decided that without expecting anything, I should just soak a stick. Well I did and wasn't surprised. Although he was really really happy when I pretended there was a line on said stick, when I did my surprised "Oh my gosh! Baby! You're going to be a daddy!!" He had a silly expression on his face too.
It was fun even though it's been about 2 years or so since I last did something as silly as that!!!
Time for bed!
Goodnight!
It was a good day until
I was having a good day, was being the operative word, then the enemy came to destroy and kill my joy.
A coworker I truly like and have been around for a while recently got married. Getting to know her over the months and looking ahead to her wedding, I wondered if her and her hubby would have children. She stated with a look of horror on her face that she wouldn't and that they couldn't as she doesn't have regular periods and was told she couldn't anyway. She insisted since she loved money and enjoyed her lifestyle of travelling and such that being a mother wouldn't suit her as she is selfish that way, in that, she likes spending money on herself and a baby would take away from that.
You know what's coming next...
She confides in me that she is pregnant. 3 months along and had no clue. The Drs are having issues dating her pregnancy since the last time she had a period was a year or so ago. I was so sad. I was upbeat and told her how thrilled I am for her. I left her and went to tell hubbyman in the back where he works and almost wept as I did :cry
I guess God has a plan for her to have a baby since she never wanted any. This baby is not a mistake since He doesn't make any and at the same time I am trying to make sense of all of this considering I so desire a baby of our own :( What should I do? Choose to not want them as I am selfish and want my money to spend all on me?
Silly I know :(
Fortunately a coworker has invited me to a prayer meeting the same night and I was comforted greatly in my time of sorrow.
One day I hope hubbyman and I can laugh like Sarah did.
A coworker I truly like and have been around for a while recently got married. Getting to know her over the months and looking ahead to her wedding, I wondered if her and her hubby would have children. She stated with a look of horror on her face that she wouldn't and that they couldn't as she doesn't have regular periods and was told she couldn't anyway. She insisted since she loved money and enjoyed her lifestyle of travelling and such that being a mother wouldn't suit her as she is selfish that way, in that, she likes spending money on herself and a baby would take away from that.
You know what's coming next...
She confides in me that she is pregnant. 3 months along and had no clue. The Drs are having issues dating her pregnancy since the last time she had a period was a year or so ago. I was so sad. I was upbeat and told her how thrilled I am for her. I left her and went to tell hubbyman in the back where he works and almost wept as I did :cry
I guess God has a plan for her to have a baby since she never wanted any. This baby is not a mistake since He doesn't make any and at the same time I am trying to make sense of all of this considering I so desire a baby of our own :( What should I do? Choose to not want them as I am selfish and want my money to spend all on me?
Silly I know :(
Fortunately a coworker has invited me to a prayer meeting the same night and I was comforted greatly in my time of sorrow.
One day I hope hubbyman and I can laugh like Sarah did.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
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