I'm truly confused...

This week I have had a wonderful week in a new job, closer to home, less, no actually NO stress and I am feeling very happy in the way that my life is.

Tuesday night I went to a friend's for supper and after the meal we had great fellowship and I shared about my desire for a baby. They prayed over me and one thing that struck my mind was what D stated as he prayed over me "Not to make the desire for my baby like a god". It hit me and I was pondering this all night, even as much as to dream about it also. I went to work not thinking about it and then, I felt much peace as I sought God in it all. It appears when I 'rewind' the tape of my mind, I have focused more than A LOT over the whole baby desire and I was seeing things in a differeny light. I saw clearly how much I was driven by my desire to have a baby that I only wanted to meet with my husband during my fertile times and any other time was not fair game. I noted how I was mad at my husband when he didn't 'complete the task' for whatever reason and was mad at him for a long time. Barking orders at him to be ready, showing no affection, etc, etc. It actually pained me to realise all I had put my HUSBAND through in MY quest for baby that I apologised to him and asked for his forgiveness for the way I went about it all.

For now I am feeling like the baby is no longer a strong desire, realising that family consists of us and I am also very confused and unsure about the whole IVF thing (I will probably change my mind very soon, so please, do not hold it against me) I know I researched IVF for a whole 2 years before mentioning it to my husband and he felt that we should go for it. In the time of my research I watched a few online friends go through the process and then it started for me, "the fantasy". The fanatasy of having a baby after having to inject myself with the appropriate meds to stimulate my ovaries. I wanted to experience "something different". The difference for me in all of this now is that even knowing that we do need to go this way since we have not experienced a single pregnacy in the almost 8 years of marriage and no birth control, something truly is amiss. We know from 2007 that we are dealing with male factor, however, now almost 3 years later we know that perhaps I have added something 'special' to the mix since I am 40+ now :(

I've rambled a lot and hope that my madness will end, my BFF back in England believes that I should go for IVF just to be sure I do not have any regrets 5 or maybe 10 years from now. I do not want to end my life thinking 'What if?'

.....