When? How long must I wait?

I always go through this whenever my period is around and well today is CD2. I am just so spent. I also noted a site that I encounter is now showing off the brand new birth boards for 2011. 2011?? Oh my goodness. I recall when I first joined that site, I joined the birth boards in 2006 thinking that we would be blessed with our little one and have them that year. Well, here we are still waiting. My heart aches at these times and I know one day I will celebrate with the most joy and then sometimes I get that ugly head that rears and tells me that no it will not happen. I am tool old. It is too late! I do not know why I listen to that voice, perhaps I do as I know that somehow it keeps me sane and on an even keel since surprises are not going to happen here since we have been waiting for a long time for our blessing. I am feeling very much left out too. So many girls from my BG on a site that is solely for those of us ttc our first are now being blessed with their BFPs left, right and centre. It is and has been very hard for me to even post there most days. I was the one that stated that IVF would be in my future soon and here we are postponing until next year and yet again one of the ladies there will be doing IVF this summer so perhaps I will be left behind as the lone one who cannot have the BFP title since everyone else moves on and yet here we are on the same page we have been on since we began this journey.

I am also frustrated by my hubbyman's reluctance to get into gear and get a family Dr so he can do his SA and bloodwork for Dr S our IVF Dr and he can call us back for that consultation that cost us $200. Oh well. I am fed up in having to keep on reminding him especially since he does the eye roll when I do, so he can do it himself. I knew in my heart I should have not sent that email to Dr S this morning as hubbyman would be stalling like this. This seems to be the story of my life with him, I want something for him to do for us and he takes his sweet ass time. I am so done with it all. Then when it gets like this I want to give up on the baby dream as I do not want to have a baby with my hubbyman when I am not liking him on a particular given day, you know?

I am so happy for the friends online who have been blessed most recently and I have a second dear friend who is about to have baby #3 since we met online. How sad! Here I am praying for #1 and she is blessed with her 3rd in all the time I have known her. Oh well. I believe God does not give us more than we can handle. I guess I can handle this time of patience and growing even thoug it hurts to the core at times.

On a good note our Chinese herbs should be in the mail some tie this week if not next and I am eager to feed hubbyman his pills and find out if truly he will benefit after 90 days on them. I JUST WANT A BABY, A HEALTHY BABY!!!! :*(

Time for bed...