My period just started

and I have been having strange desires to go on an IVF vacay with hubbyman to Barbados. I have a fear of it not working out so I am preparing myself for the best and if, for whatever reason we cannot do this, I do believe my quest will be over. I am so very very tired and cannot believe how long this journey has been to parenthood.

I need to let go for my own sanity as well as for my health. All this baby crap has made me so silly! I always believe and have tremendous hope with every cycle that we try and then again why should I considering he never takes his vits. There is something drastically wrong with his sperm so I should not be surprised when my period shows, it's not as if we did anything differently in order to change his sperm parameters. Recently I learned that taking high doses of vit C prior to sex is supposed to help. Not sure how true this is, however he will be taking high doses from now on! So I do believe as soon as I can remember (and be bothered!) I will remind him to take said amounts of vits along with Horny Goat Weed since he has been having some serious performance issues...I love him and wish he would go and do something about that. I know that months ago his diabetic nurse stated that issues with ED, along with sex drive (his is very low) and interest in sex is effected by his disease. Oh well. He has of late had no desire to change that so I may as well not 'nag' him about taking his vits, just feed them to him with a smile with no words.

Sept 2011 is when we envision we will have enough for IVF Barbados however I would love to do it sooner. He has shoddy credit so there's no applying for a loan there. Since I am still fairly new to the country I have no established credit so I am slowly building that up with a credit card acquired from work.

Roll on Sept!

All I know is I do believe the sad part of it all is that when I have had it in my head when we will be doing IVF something happens and takes away from that. I know there was nothing I could do about my father-in-law's illness and subsequent death and that is a tragedy in and of itself. I refuse to let anything and I mean ANYTHING to stop us from doing this next year. I have already told him, if we cannot raise the money by next year then forget it. I do not want to be pregnant and having a baby at 43. I will turn 42 by the time we finish cycling next year so that wil be the last of this crazy road!!

It hurts so just typing that, I need to let go and soon!